A Brief History of Boston

Dear Sonia,

There is a freebie magazine in Boston called The Improper Bostonian. It's well written and fun. Your cousin E was recently chosen by the magazine as one of Boston's Best Bartenders and a photo of her was in there! Very cool.

Anyway, this week, they did a huge story for anyone who wants to be a Bostonian quickly for everything they would need to know. The very first little section was a "Brief History of Boston" and it was hilarious. (Many of the little sections in the article were hilarious, but I thought you'd want this one for prosperity.) I am reprinting without permission from the Improper, but giving full credit where it is due, so hopefully nobody'll sue me. (If enough people are reading this for me to get sued, I'll throw a party anyway.)

A Brief History of Boston
Memorize. There will be a quiz.

1. 1620: Pilgrims arrive. Clear land, plant pumpkins, kill American Indians, later burn witches.

2. 1636: Harvard happens. Shit follows.

3. 1776: Bright idea hits Sam Adams (the man, not the beer) and other Boston hotheads: Boot Brits, steal fruited plains, prepare for world domination.

4. 1840: Irish arrive. Can't get work; elect selves mayor, governor, eventually president (see below).

5. 1858: Proper Bostonian Oliver Wendell Holmes in a fit of irrational exuberance, dubs city "Hub of the Solar System." Countless Parisians, Londoners, New Yorkers snicker.

6. 1863: Proper Bostonian Edward Everett delivers long-winded two-hour oration on fallen heros at Gettysburg, eclipsed by a pithy address by a guy named Lincoln.

7. 1947: Original Improper Bostonian James Michael Curley wins fourth term as Hub mayor, enters federal pen for mail fraud but somehow stays in office.

8. 1960: John F. Kennedy becomes president, inspires numerous pretenders (Michael Dukakis, kid brother Ted Kennedy, John Kerry); they all fail.

9. 2004: Having taught town how to dress, dance, etc. Mass. gays win dubious right to wed, divorce, pay alimony.

So there you go. Some clever person summed it right up. You'll be a Bostonian at heart yet!

Love,

Auntie K.