Enough Love?

Dear Sonia,

I'm worried. I love you so much. How can I possibly have enough love inside of me to love you and your sister both this much?

I've heard of this before. I know it's normal for parents to worry about this. I just found this:

"Many parents say they remember worrying about whether they could ever love the second baby as much as they loved their first child. Then, when the second baby was born, they loved the new baby so much they worried that they were betraying their first child. Though they soon realized that they had love enough for two... "(Pam Leo, Love Enough for Two)

I just didn't expect this to happen to me, a lowly Auntie. But it has.

I can't wait for your sister to be born. I don't know her name, and I don't know what she'll look like, and I don't know what color her skin will be. I know I'll love her. But will I be able to love two of you as much as I love the one of you?

The day you were born, your daddy sent a photo of you over email to all of us. When I'd heard you were born, I was happy and everything, but when I saw that photo - I felt something I'd never felt before. Instant love. Overwhelming amounts of it. A feeling that I knew I would do anything in the world you needed - ever. I had no idea until that moment that much love was even possible.

Perhaps this feeling was stronger for me because I know I'm not going to have my own kids. I'd be interested in other Aunties (or Uncles) weighing in on this. (I think probably those who were Aunts/Uncles before they were parents - if it was the reverse, I'm not sure it works since you've had that feeling already, in theory.) Perhaps since I know I will never feel this way about my own child, my psyche and emotions allowed that feeling to happen for you. (By the way, for the record, having this feeling in no way made me want to have my own children. Love is love and it's great, but raising a kid is another whole bag of beans and one that I know I'm not meant for.)

So here I am now, almost two and a half years later, and still in love with you, and wondering how in the world your sister will get her fair share. I feel badly about it. Of course I have enough love. Of course I do! How could I even think this, let alone put it into words for the world to see and for you (and your sister) to read someday? Easy. It's the truth. And I'm working through it.

I'm sure that when that photo of your sister hits my email, my eyes will tear up and I'll cry a little, just like I did when your photo came. I'm sure I'll think of great things that she will like that are unique to her. I'm sure that her blog will be just as good as yours. I know all this in my head. It's my heart that needs convincing.

So, four weeks before your sister joins this great big world, I thought you should know that I love you SO much that it is actually causing me anguish. Some day you'll appreciate this. You'll come back and read this post when you are 16 and you'll torture your little sister and tease her that Auntie K wasn't sure she'd love her. But when you're 30-something, and you become an Auntie or a Mommy or a surrogate-Auntie, or whatever you become that involves a child, you'll come back here to read this post and you'll get it. That'll be in about 2038. Woah. I'll be 65. Call me up. We can talk about it.

I looooooove you, Sonia-ita. This much.

Auntie K (oh, hey! this is your 100th post! - quite a milestone)

CRYING!

Dear Sonia,

Yesterday, you went to school.

Daddy dropped you off and picked you up.

You didn't cry. Not once. Not even a little bit. Nada, nien, none.

WOOT!

I knew it.

Love you,

Auntie K

Bidet Happiness

Dear Sonia,

You were happy to report yesterday that you washed your bum on the bidet! Hilarious.

Apparently you liked it.

Quite posh, you.

Love,

Auntie K

Wearing Your Heart on Your Hand

Dear Sonia,

Sometimes, people wear their hearts on their sleeves. This saying means that they show their emotions regularly and easily so everyone can see how they feel. Today, you are wearing a heart (your Mommy's heart) on your hand.

Today is your third day of school. We're hoping it goes better than the first two. The second day was challenging. It rained, so you had to go to Humphrey Hall, which is some big room where you can all play when it rains. There are balls and bikes and all kinds of fun stuff. You were totally overwhelmed. You cried and sat on some lady's lap (we still don't know who) instead of playing. You happily reported this to Mom that afternoon. Your teachers report that you are sad off and on all day but are cognitively okay - when they tell you it's time to stop crying, you pull it together. And when Mommy told you to remember to be brave and then you will be brave, you asked her "But what if I'm not brave?" What a conundrum.

This morning, in a flash of brilliance brought on by a television commercial she saw, your Mommy grabbed a marker as you and Daddy were headed out to school and she was headed out to work. She found a little spot on your hand and drew a heart there. You asked her why she was drawing a heart on your hand. Mommy told you that whenever you felt sad or wanted to cry, you could look at the little heart and remember how much Mommy loves you and then you would stop crying. She said "Isn't that a good idea?" You showed Daddy after declaring that it was, indeed, a good idea and told him "This heart is to make me stop crying!" He too declared this a good idea and away you went.

I don't know yet how this turned out. This blog is up-to-the-minute-breaking-news-reporting. I'm hoping that wearing your heart (or your Mommy's heart) on your hand helps you out today. I just know that eventually you will love school. You will. I'm sure of it.

Love,

Auntie K

Everyone Loves the Kid You Will Be

Dear Sonia,

Today is your first day of school. Mommy dropped you off about a half hour ago. You are miserable, my sweet. You are screaming and crying and you are very upset. Mommy is also very upset. She called me crying herself. See how much she loves you? She is wondering if it would've been better to wait until next year for school for you. I think the answer to that is "No Way!" You are whip-smart cognitively and a little behind on the emotional side - school at 2 1/2 is just right for you.

This is your first day of school, ever in your life. We only get one of these, remember! There's lots of other first days to come, but this one - the first ever in your life only happens once.

You will be okay. That's the most important thing. You will learn to be more independent and you will learn that you don't need your Mom to feel safe. Mom is surely safe - this is not in question, but there is safety other places as well. Comfort is nice, but it isn't always necessary. Sometimes it is great to be uncomfortable, as it makes us figure out how to manage situations and feelings better. It teaches us how to cope. And coping, my dear little niece, is the number one skill to have. It is the thing that sets the people who are successes and are happy from the people who are not.

Your Mom and Dad want you to be adventurous. They want you to be willing to take chances, and try new things, and travel and take risks. They want you to be willing to go off to college and make new friends, and speak up when you need to. Today is the first step towards all of that.

I never spent more than a week away from Nana and Papa until I went to college. I have been homesick every single time I've moved away from home. Every time. But each time, after a while, that feeling goes away and I start living my exciting life, wherever I am. Don't be confused, 'ita, I ALWAYS MISS HOME and I always miss the people who make home home, but I've got stuff to do and things to see and a super life to lead! And that is exactly what you are doing! This is the very first time you are homesick/momsick. You will learn to figure out how to make that feel okay.

Dude, there's so much to learn! There's so many kids to meet! Miss Brenda and Miss Melissa are going to end up being your favorite friends ever! Think how much you love Miss Anna and Miss Missy and multiply that by a bunch and that's how much you are gonna love those two, I promise. Think of all the time you spend with Miss Tiffany without Mommy there - you love that time. This is pretty much the same. Eventually, that classroom will feel as much a part of your world as your living room does right now.

Think of how much you'll have to tell Mommy each day after school! You'll get to tell her all about what you did and what you learned and who you played with. And it'll be YOUR STORY, because Mommy didn't do it with you. You'll get to teach her all the stuff you learn and get to show her all your projects. It's gonna be great!

I don't have a little girl like you, so I don't really understand what it is like for your Mommy to have to leave you, screaming and crying with the teachers telling her to just leave because it's best. I really have no idea what it is like to have my heart go walking around outside my body, which is what I believe it must be like to have a child. I am not a good person to give your Mommy advice. She should call up her friend Sue or someone and find out what they did. She should call Nana and find out about how it felt to leave her at school! (Nana says that your Mommy cried and screamed and held onto her leg when she dropped her off at school!)

But, this is my blog to you, and so I will say this:

-Buck up, girly. Every time you go to school, you will get to see Mommy again when it is over. She's not going anywhere.

-No need to cry, friend. You will learn and grow and have fun and gain awesome skills at school.

-Smile, dude. You already know your ABCs and your 123s and your colors and shapes and animals and freakin' tons of other stuff. You have time to spend energy learning the emotional skills at school.

-Remember, Sonia, you are one of the sweetest, most caring, easy-going kids I've ever met. You are a gift to a classroom - any classroom. You will be the one who hugs a child when they get hurt. You will be the one who befriends the kid that is struggling. You will be the one who loves the teachers the most. Everyone loves the kid you will be. Everyone.

Love,

Auntie K

ADDENDUM: Mommy called again! She talked to your teachers after they delivered you to music class and you were doing great! You were verbalizing that you felt better and you were telling them about your cat-buddy Rudy. You'll be fine, dude! YAY!

Bowling, the Library and Talking about My Bike Ride

Dear Sonia,

I just got back to Massachusetts after visiting you in Houston for 5 days. We had a great time! You are super sweet and super smart and super loving. You are swimming well, and singing to the baby to wake her up in-utero.

Here we are wearing our matching pajamas:





















And here we are bowling! We had such a good time! Your ball was yellow and we walked it up and you opened up your legs and then we rolled it down the alley until it knocked down the pins! You had a very good time. Your mommy won, even though every time she threw the ball, it hurt her big pregnant tummy.



On the first day, I showed you photos of my bike ride in Maine so you would eat. I saw lots of animals on that trip and you were happy to see all the photos. And, I had photos of alpacas I saw and I had given you a little alpaca from Peru so it worked out well. Anyway, for the next 4 days, every time you said "I want to talk about something" and I said "What do you want to talk about?" you said "Talk about your bike ride." And then we talked about all the animals I saw. You could list them, tell me how many of each one I saw and what color they were. The only one you didn't ever remember/learn was cormorant, which was fine, because I could never remember the name of the dinosaur bird you know that it looks like. (I just looked it up and it's a Pteranodon.) We drove your mom nuts because I could never remember pteranodon and you could never remember cormorant. I gotta tell you, I got a little bored of my bike ride - although you never did.

And here we are on the merry-go-round at the mall. I can't remember the name of the mall, even though you can recite the entire name like it's nothing. You rode the ostrich the first time and the second time, while we were in line, you set your sites on the zebra. When we got to it, another kid was already on it. Without any fuss at all, you just happily got on the bunny instead. Such a good girl who just rolls with whatever.



We really had a great visit, friend. I called you "friend" a lot when I was there and you thought it was very funny. You also taught me that you call Rudy your "buddy" which is super cute. "Where is my buddy?" You took me to music class, which was awesome and you sang some of the songs. You LOVE Miss Anna, your music class teacher.

Your daddy is awesome with your bath time (and he puts on a good picture show in your upstairs living room, too!). Your mommy is ready for the baby to be here. Your cousins came over for a swim and you had a great time with them. You are a master napper even though you claim you don't want to go to bed; you sleep for 2+ hours every afternoon. You made a pile of books that we picked out at the library and then said "That is plenty!" Someone at the library said "Hello, Sonia!" and you looked and said "Miss Missy!" and gave her a big hug. You listen well, and remember well and generally are very smart.

If someone called me as a reference for you and asked me for your biggest weakness, it would be easy. You are a terrible eater. I hope you learn to enjoy food more!

You drove me to the airport on Tuesday morning before you went to meet your teachers. When I asked you the night before where we were going in the morning, you said you didn't know. "Yes you do," I said. Where is Auntie K going tomorrow? "Massachusetts" said you. "How am I getting there?" "Airplane." "Where's the airplane?" "Airport!" Yup. Good deduction. So you dropped me off and away I flew.

I'll see you again in January after your baby sister is here! In the meantime, there's the phone and Skype. I love you a wicked lot, Sonia-ita. (I tried to teach you wicked, too, but it didn't stick.)

Love,

Auntie K