Enough Love?

Dear Sonia,

I'm worried. I love you so much. How can I possibly have enough love inside of me to love you and your sister both this much?

I've heard of this before. I know it's normal for parents to worry about this. I just found this:

"Many parents say they remember worrying about whether they could ever love the second baby as much as they loved their first child. Then, when the second baby was born, they loved the new baby so much they worried that they were betraying their first child. Though they soon realized that they had love enough for two... "(Pam Leo, Love Enough for Two)

I just didn't expect this to happen to me, a lowly Auntie. But it has.

I can't wait for your sister to be born. I don't know her name, and I don't know what she'll look like, and I don't know what color her skin will be. I know I'll love her. But will I be able to love two of you as much as I love the one of you?

The day you were born, your daddy sent a photo of you over email to all of us. When I'd heard you were born, I was happy and everything, but when I saw that photo - I felt something I'd never felt before. Instant love. Overwhelming amounts of it. A feeling that I knew I would do anything in the world you needed - ever. I had no idea until that moment that much love was even possible.

Perhaps this feeling was stronger for me because I know I'm not going to have my own kids. I'd be interested in other Aunties (or Uncles) weighing in on this. (I think probably those who were Aunts/Uncles before they were parents - if it was the reverse, I'm not sure it works since you've had that feeling already, in theory.) Perhaps since I know I will never feel this way about my own child, my psyche and emotions allowed that feeling to happen for you. (By the way, for the record, having this feeling in no way made me want to have my own children. Love is love and it's great, but raising a kid is another whole bag of beans and one that I know I'm not meant for.)

So here I am now, almost two and a half years later, and still in love with you, and wondering how in the world your sister will get her fair share. I feel badly about it. Of course I have enough love. Of course I do! How could I even think this, let alone put it into words for the world to see and for you (and your sister) to read someday? Easy. It's the truth. And I'm working through it.

I'm sure that when that photo of your sister hits my email, my eyes will tear up and I'll cry a little, just like I did when your photo came. I'm sure I'll think of great things that she will like that are unique to her. I'm sure that her blog will be just as good as yours. I know all this in my head. It's my heart that needs convincing.

So, four weeks before your sister joins this great big world, I thought you should know that I love you SO much that it is actually causing me anguish. Some day you'll appreciate this. You'll come back and read this post when you are 16 and you'll torture your little sister and tease her that Auntie K wasn't sure she'd love her. But when you're 30-something, and you become an Auntie or a Mommy or a surrogate-Auntie, or whatever you become that involves a child, you'll come back here to read this post and you'll get it. That'll be in about 2038. Woah. I'll be 65. Call me up. We can talk about it.

I looooooove you, Sonia-ita. This much.

Auntie K (oh, hey! this is your 100th post! - quite a milestone)